Written by: Tara De Wet
Never before have I met people so annoying. And who better for them to be than the people I see every day and cannot avoid for the life of me?
My neighbours, insufferable human, are pains to live near to. Let me tell you a bit about each of them. On my left, I have Kelly Mclean, a singer on the rise who cannot even sing ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’ without hitting a false note, let along ‘Firework’ by Katy Perry.
On my right, I have Samuel Jacobs, dumpster diver and food critic extraordinaire. Every morning I see him rummaging through my bin and pulling out whatever old leftover food I might have thrown away and taken a huge exaggerated bite just to shake his head afterwards and send me a negative review in the post the next day. The nerve! I make fantastic goulash.
Right across from me is David Grace, music producer and Kelly’s boyfriend. How fitting. Not only does he play the electric guitar, but he also holds extravagant rowdy parties every Friday night where he blares alternative rock music from his 200 Watt speakers. And don’t get me started on his guitar solos. The high pitched screeching of his 1984 Super Strat is enough to make your ears bleed.
Each one of them is intolerable in their own unique way, but the absolute worst neighbour I see every day is Jack Moriarty. He lives next to Samuel Jacobs. The man is insane! I caught him in my backyard once stealing my pool noodles. The other day he set his sights to the front yard garden gnomes. He says he needs if for one of his eccentric ‘secret projects’ and I have yet to find out what that is if anything.
I’ve lived on this street with these lunatics for five years so far. How I have managed it, I will never know. All I can say is that it’s an experience like none other and even though I find life here agonizing, I’ve grown used to it. Maybe I will be around for the next generation of weirdos, but if I am to find out I suppose I’ll have to stay a bit longer.
Comments