I’m (not) okay!

Written by Cleo Carelse

Proofread by Maverick Swartz

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I want to be happy, but I always have sad thoughts.

I say I don’t need your validation, but I care about other’s opinions.

I am strong, but at times my actions are weak.

I hold my breath in just to say I’m doing alright.

A beautiful walking paradox in plain sight.

I’m not okay.

I spend most of my time thinking of being somewhere else,

Somewhere far away but home is where I stay.

The desire to achieve more, be more, live more,

But I can’t seem to get my foot out of that door.

I’m not okay.

Life is subtle.

I can be so oblivious with the blessings that I receive,

I cloud my judgement upon what the mind thinks it wants,

Avoiding what it needs.

Seriously, I’m not okay.

I make mistakes and repeat them,

To constantly excuse it by saying its wisdom that I’ll gain.

But it’s the role of a fool I play.

I smile,

I laugh,

All I do is put on a mask.

I’m not okay.

Most of the time I don’t even know why.

I feel confused, but not the kind where you’re dying inside.

I give myself the pain,

Saying I deserve to live this way.

Don’t worry and ask,

My answer will always be ‘nothing’s wrong.’

But you don’t get it.

It’s not easy for me to explain.

I guess I’m afraid of failing myself, again.

For too long I have been wasting my time,

On scattered energies that were decreasing me,

Comptonization. It’s physics.

I inhale and exhale.

I move on.

“It will all turn out for the better”, you respond.

Don’t ask me if I’m okay,

I’m tired of lying.

Just you wait until it’s your day,

When I’m the one asking, are you okay?